jmart, this is for you, buddy!

stephen colbert goes bananas, originally aired november 10, 2003.

Jon Stewart:
We turn to Daily Show Senior Correspondent, Stephen Colbert. He joins us live from London. Stephen, thank you for joining us.

Stephen Colbert:
Aloha, Jon.

Jon:
Stephen, this has become a huge story overnight, but no one seems to know that this allegation is all about. Have you been able to learn all the specifics?

Stephen:
Yes I have, Jon.

Jon:
What are they?

Stephen:
’Fraid I can’t tell you that. See, I’m in Jolly Ol’ England, as you can tell by Big Ben behind me (looks behind him to the green screen) … sorry, the Houses of Parliament. And slander laws prevent me from saying anything, believe me, I wish I could. This is a story I could really wrap my hands around, I mean I’d love to grab this story by the hilt, and work this story long and hard, (making a ‘ball tickling’ motion with his hands) teasing you with a few details. Make you beg for the story to a huge climax, and explodes all over the front pages!! Phew! That would be great. But the press will not be discreet, Jon.

Jon:
Stephen, the press is just playing a coy game. The very language of your metaphor implies that it is a much more salacious story that in it truth could ever be. Why don’t you just come out and say that there is an allegation that the Price had a gay experience?

Stephen:
Your words, not mine, Jon. (starts to unpeel a banana) But I’ll tell you this much, if it was substantiated, (inhales banana, while Jon laughs in the background) Just imagine! Jon, just imagine what that would do to the monarchy!

Jon:
What would that do to the monarchy?

Stephen:
Probably nothing. The royal family is pretty much just a tourist trap at this point. Nevertheless, it would be a great story. It’s a story a reporter waits his entire career not to be able to report. If you would excuse me, I have been invited to grouse hunting party. It’s just a few dozen men and stable boys (starts to crack up) all of us in kilts, naturally. Taking a few yards of ale (?) and here’s the fun part, Jon! Whoever shoots the --- (cracks up) whoever shoots the … whoever shoots the fewest grouse has to go through the spanking machine!

Jon:
Stephen, I have to say that story (or what I’ve heard of it) all sounds pretty gay.

Stephen:
Not gay, Jon. Aristocratic. It’s a different culture from ours.

Jon:
And what’s different about it? (the two start laughing again)

Stephen: (gasping for breath)
You know…mainly the … mainly how gay it is. Jon?