Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They'reall wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND
WALDO, THEN NOONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

The only thing that Superman is not capable of leaping in a single bound is Vin Diesel's penis.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the
seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Arctic researchers.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Not only was Vin Diesel the first to shoot a baby out of a cannon, he was the first to eat a high velocity baby shot out of a cannon.